RespectingTradition
ZhaoJianA27-year-oldChineseengineer
Iamquiteopenonwhetheritisnecessaryforthebridegroomtoofferadowrytothebride鈥檚family.Aslongasthecoupleishappy,thereisnoreasonthatmoneywillplagueamarriage.ItiscommonlyacknowledgedthatofferingadowryispartofChina鈥檚traditionalculture.Itplaysaroleinmakingthetwofamilieshappyandisatraditionthatcertainlyneedstobeobserved.Thekeyishowmuchmoneythedowryshouldbe.
Thereisnouniversalruletodeterminewhetherthedowryisbigorsmall.Itshoulddependonthefinancialsituationofthefamily.Therichcanoffermore,andviceversa.
Wehavealsowitnessedthechangesindowrypaymentsthroughtheyears.Inthe1980s,myfather鈥檚generationfavoredhouseholdelectricappliances,suchaselectrictorches,sewingmachines,washingmachinesandtelevisions.Bicycleswerealsoafirmfavorite.Butnow,theexpandingChinesemiddleclasshasmuchhigherexpectations.Forexample,inmyhometownTaiyuan,capitalcityofnorthChina鈥檚ShanxiProvince,peoplewillofferover100,000yuan(about$15,780)asadowry,andtheamountkeepsgrowing.Sometimesadiamondringandjewelryforthebridearealsoincluded.
Thedepthofloveshouldnotjustbeevaluatedbythesizeofthedowry.Loveispriceless,andhasnopricetag.Ifthebridegroomcomesfromalow-incomefamily,abigdowrymaybecomeanunbearablefinancialburden.Inaddition,inChina,parentswillusuallyhelptheirchildrenbuyanewhousetohelpwiththenewmarriage,whichisalsoveryexpensive,especiallyinfirst-tiercitieslikeBeijing.
Actually,thetwofamiliescanfindcreativewaystousedowrypayment.Forexample,dowrypaymentcouldbedepositedinabankandserveasaneducationfundforthenextgeneration.Thewholefamilywillbenefitalotfromsuchameaningfulandvisionaryarrangement,whichalsoembodiesthebestwishesforthenewcouple.
Inanutshell,loveisacomplexandspecialfeeling,butaslongasthehusbandandwifeloveeachother,marriageisratherasimpleaffair.Keepingamarriagesimpleisthekeytomakingitlast.
ExpressionofHappiness
VongaiMatemeraA32-year-oldspouseofaZimbabweandiplomat
Amarriagedoesnotonlyinvolvetwopeoplehavingpledgedthemselvestoeachothertoliveashusbandandwife,butisratheranarrangementthatgoesbeyondthecoupletounitetheirfamilies.Asawayofbuildingthenewly-establishedrelationship,adowryisusedasanaidtoexpresshappinessofbothfamiliesandtheacceptanceoftheirin-laws.Thegiftsvaryfromculturetocultureandcountrytocountry.
IntheShonaandNdebeleculturesinZimbabwe,thisisreferredtoasroora/lobola.It鈥檚partoftheculturemainlygivenasatokenofappreciationtothebride鈥檚familyinconsiderationofacustomarymarriage.Ittakesplaceinanumberofstages.Ateachstageoftheceremony,therearetraditionstoobserveandsmallamountstopay.Theamountpaidisdeterminedduringnegotiationsandisdependentonvariousfactors,suchasthefamily鈥檚specifictraditionwithregardtogivingthehandoftheirdaughtersinmarriage.Customarily,theroora/lobolaincludesaspecialgifttothemotherandfatherofthebrideandtheactualbridedowry,whichcanbegivenincashandcattle.Familiesareflexible,andtheyalwaysreachaconsensusindowrynegotiation,makingitpossibleforthecoupletomarry.
Thebridegroompaysaninitialpayment,buttheremaindercanbesettledyearslaterduringthemarriage.Insomecases,theremaybegiftstothesistersandtheauntsofthebride,whichwillbeusedtohelpthecouplepreparefortheirnewhome.Afterthepresentationofthegifts,thenewgroomwillbeacceptedasamemberofthebride鈥檚family.
ThisnormiswidelyacceptedamongZimbabweans,andeachfamilylooksforwardtothiscer-emony.Thistraditionbringsbondingofthetwofamiliesandactsasareunionforallfamilymembers.Inaddition,itaddsvaluetothebrideandherfamily,whilealsothankingandacknowledgingthebride鈥檚family.
Animportantpointtorememberisthatpayingadowryisaprocesstoestablishandbuildalongstandingrelationshipbetweenthebrideandthegroom鈥檚families,andit鈥檚notafundraisingactivityonthepartofthebride鈥檚family.